OLD LEAGONIANS CRICKET CLUB

Sunday 3rd June 2007.  Fortress Alex.

Sutton CC 3rd XI    214 all out      Old Leagonians CC 133 all out.   Lost by 81 runs.

Report by Ken E Mumford

patience  noun [U] 
the ability to wait, or to continue doing something despite difficulties, or to suffer without complaining or becoming annoyed:

intelligence  noun [U]
the ability to learn, understand and make judgments or have opinions that are based on reason

When the little Italian hit the front two furlongs from home and Authorized pulled away from the rest of the Derby field, Frankie felt the whole world was shouting him home.  "I wassa so excited" he said.  "I haffa to pincha myself".   His 36 previous attempts to win the Epsom classic had ended in failure but finally his moment had come.  The 34 year old pasta munching dwarf leapt off his horse in the winners enclosure and proceded to jump around like a baby in a washing machine (on the spin cycle).  " Ay, wherea isa the facking bubbly" he cried.  "Lessa go facking mental".  Suffice to say he was both happy and extrordinarily excited.  However, he was not the most happy and extrordinarily excited person in town at the weekend.  That honour goes to our new skipper when he opened his curtains on Sunday morning to see bright sunshine.  At the fourth time of asking, Captain Herter was going to lead out the OLCC for the very first time.   Having spent the next hour sending every player an email, text message, voicemail and fax confirming that the game was on and that he was captain, he made his way to the pub to meet the rest of the team.  By the time the Mini Store opened at 7.30am Eddie had been waiting for an hour and a half already.  "Rest of lads will be here soon" he thought.  "Best practice me speech one more time...."

Sutton Cricket Club had kindly agreed to stand in as last minute replacements for our original opponents.  The fact that they were sending their 3rd XI along didn't really mean a great deal.  We have had previous experience of 3rd XI's before and knew what to expect.  A few 15 year olds on the verge of an England call-up, a couple of older former County players, a token slogger from the Southern hemisphere, an aging spinner and a seven year old just to really take the piss.  Sutton didn't disappoint and when they arrived they slotted nicely into the predicted stereotype.  Eddie had decided it might be a good idea to do a bit of catching practice before the game but this can only have added to the confidence of our opponents as they witnessed the calamitous efforts of certain members of the team to avoid the incoming ball. 

Shortly before the toss, Richard Teasdale arrived direct from a Turkish sauna in Camden and our numbers were complete.  Herter duly lost the toss and after a rousing speech, its impact largely lost due to its being delivered in Northern Lisp, complete with rolling 'r's and animal noises, we took to the field.  'Limpin' Lee Barham and Bush Tucker opened the bowling and managed to contain the oppositions opening batsmen until John Golding took a miracle catch fielding in his customary suicide position.  From that point on wickets tumbled fairly steadily.  John took a further two catches, the skipper also caught two.  The bowlers all chipped in with wickets and eventually we had them 167 for 9.  Unfortunately we then allowed them to put on nearly 50 more runs before eventually bowling them out for 214.  It was a much better perfomance in the field, but we still gave away 46 extras, dropped four catches and gave away too many silly runs at the end with sloppy fielding.

A scone laden tea followed courtesy of the Gee machine.  She had seriously considered making carrot cake but due to a lack of domestic staff that morning it wasn't possible.  It was around this time that the captain decided to play his trump card.  "Right lads" he cried "I want you to bat with Patience and Intelligence"  To say this caused confusion amongst the ranks is an understatement.  Very few understood what he meant.  Those who did, struggled to take on board the magnitude of what he was asking.  Nevertheless, our innings began and Raj defended the first ball he faced before  resorting to his usual wild haymaking swings at anything even remotely resembling a ball.  True to form he soon continued his excellent start to the season and managed another duck.  At the other end Paul Golding was gamely defending his wicket and when Bush joined him things were progressing nicely.  Unfortunately though Sutton then brought on a 93 year old snake charmer who proceded to confuse and terrify our batsmen.  Trundling in off a two yard run up and lobbing the ball gently towards the bat, he was far too good for at least half of our top order.  The wickets began to fall and with the noticable exceptions of Bush and Teasdale who managed 40 and 32 respectively we struggled along.  We lost our last five wickets for 15 runs and eventually finished on 132 all out.  The one positive we can take from the game is that we at least batted for 33 overs.  Ernie spent some time in the middle and finished unbeaten on 11.  

Afterwards Craig, our friendly inn keeper, served up the largest saucepan of curry in the world.   And the largest saucepan of rice in the world.  And the largest pile of samosa's in the world. We ate most of it and it was bloody nice. As a team we continued our excellent drinking form and managed to get through twenty jugs of beer.  Drinking aside we must do better all round next week.  Well done to Sutton, who even with an average age of 14 knew far too much for us.   Bush Tucker was man of the match for scoring 40 runs and taking 3 for 23. 

               Video courtesy of Hannibal Frewin